Key takeaways
- When a client wants to break a habit and says “I don’t know how,” don’t hand them advice, even advice wrapped inside a question.
- Don’t ask “why do you do this to yourself?” A why about the past sounds like blame and pulls the session down into the problem.
- Trust not knowing. You don’t have to perform or know your next move. When the client struggles, you don’t struggle.
- Look for the valid reason the behaviour is there. That positive intention becomes the solution, without you asking “so what’s the solution?”
- Coach the what and the who. Not just the next step, but the client’s sense of choice, control and identity.
A client wants to stop a habit. You ask what they want to do about it, and they say “I don’t know.” In this demonstration I coach a client I’ll call Sophie, who doom scrolls until one or two in the morning and can’t seem to stop. First I make three mistakes on purpose. Then I show you how to help her help herself, without giving a single piece of advice.
What was the client bringing to the session?
Sophie stays up scrolling until one or two in the morning. She tells herself she’ll just check a few things, and then it’s suddenly very late and she’s tired but doesn’t stop. She’s unhappy about it and doesn’t know how to change it.
What 3 mistakes do coaches make with a client breaking a habit?
In the first run I make all three, exaggerated so you can spot them.
Telling them what to do
“I think you should be more mindful of that moment.” Directive advice. One of the biggest shifts new coaches make is realising you can help without telling.
Advice hidden in a question
“Have you tried reading about habits? Have you tried going to bed earlier?” It’s still advice. Think of the last time someone did this to you while you were struggling.
Asking “why” about the past
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” A why about the past sounds like blame and leans into the therapist’s chair. It spirals the session down into the problem.
There’s a more advanced version of this. A coach realises advice doesn’t help, digging into the past doesn’t help, and is left with only two moves: challenge a limiting belief, or ask solution-focused questions. Neither works well here. If the client could answer “so how will you solve this?” they wouldn’t have come to coaching.
Why does “trust not knowing” matter here?
Instead of reaching for advice, hang back and trust your skills. The tip most coaches only pick up at PCC and MCC level is to trust not knowing. You don’t have to perform. You don’t even have to know your next move. If you’re trained and you have some tools, you can be willing to discover alongside the client. And when they struggle, you don’t struggle.
The client gives you the clues. Sophie says “I don’t want the day to end” and “I lie there with everything in my head.” That’s the answer to a why, without me asking why.
How do you let the client choose the direction?
Sophie put two things on the table: the late night is “the only time that feels mine,” and she’s avoiding “the stuff I haven’t figured out.” When you’re not sure where to go next, ask the client. I asked which of the two she wanted to explore. She chose the avoiding, because “there’s something there I’m not really looking at.”
Then I contract the session. The coach shouldn’t supply the objective, that’s a breach of the competencies. I ask what she’d want to leave with. She says: to understand what she’s avoiding, and to be able to sit with it. That’s the target. A quick importance check puts it at an eight out of ten, and where she is now at a two. I stay neutral on the numbers.
How do you find the positive intention?
Rather than asking “if you weren’t avoiding, what would you do instead,” I dig for the valid reason the avoiding is there. This is inspired by Milton Erickson’s idea that behind any behaviour, even a harmful one, is a valid intention.
COACH: When you’re in that avoiding mode, what do you suppose it’s trying to give you that’s actually valid?
CLIENT: A break. Not having to think or decide anything. And a sense of control, because I can choose what I look at. It feels like my time on my terms.
Only now do I ask a “how” question, because there’s context and a positive intention to build on: how could you give yourself that same break and control, but in a conscious way? Sophie finds it. Space that’s still quiet and still hers, but calm and nourishing instead of restless.
I repeat two of her own words back, “choosing to stop” and “on purpose,” and check what happens when she hears them.
CLIENT: It’s like I’ve been acting like I don’t have a choice, like it just happens to me. It’s not about taking something away from myself. It’s about giving something to myself.
What does it mean to coach “the what and the who”?
In a full session I’d stay with this, check for other inner obstacles, and end with Sophie choosing a next step. The ICF talks about coaching the what and the who, especially at PCC and MCC level. Not just “what will you do,” but the person: their sense of choice, their identity, their wholeness. So even the next steps would weave in her own themes, control, space, giving herself permission.
Which ICF competencies does this demo show?
If you’re on the ICF path, here’s where this session sits against the ICF Core Competencies:
- Cultivates Trust and Safety. Naming the session as her time and space, and inviting her to say if a direction isn’t working.
- Maintains Presence. Trusting not knowing, not performing, and slowing right down when real insight arrives.
- Listens Actively. Catching “it’s mine” and “avoiding” as clues, noting her key words, never substituting my own.
- Establishes and Maintains Agreements. Letting her choose the direction and the objective, then holding it as the target with importance and progress measures.
- Evokes Awareness. Digging for the positive intention, and repeating her own words back to hear what lands in her body.
Coaching a habit without sliding into advice takes practice, and that is what our ICF certification classes give you, live and with feedback. Have a look at Level 1, Global Coach ACC, or check if there’s a seat and we’re a fit.