Key takeaways
- When a client says “I don’t know my goals,” don’t force a goal conversation, and don’t make them feel behind for not having one.
- A reframe from what they don’t want to what they do want can backfire here. In “I don’t know” territory, the client just grabs at answers to please you.
- Be Equal To whatever shows up. No agenda, no push to fix it. Keep the client feeling safe in not knowing.
- Take a hot air balloon up. Rise to a bird’s-eye view of their whole life instead of solving on the ground. A Life Wheel is an easy way to do it.
- From that wide view a direction appears, and you can shape a session objective without ever using the word “goal.”
“I don’t know what my goal is.” It’s one of the answers new coaches dread most, especially when everything we’re taught says coaching is about goals and progress. In this demonstration I coach a client I’ll call Alex, who was referred to coaching, feels stuck, and has no clear long-term goal. First I make three mistakes on purpose. Then I show you how to work with a client who genuinely doesn’t know yet.
What was the client bringing to the session?
Alex was referred by a colleague who thought coaching might help with feeling stuck. Asked about long-term goals, Alex says that’s part of the problem. When they try to think about it, it’s blank, or too many things and none of them feel solid. They feel they should have something clearer by now.
What Alex wants is a feeling, not a goal. Clarity. Direction. A sense of moving toward something instead of just doing what’s in front of them.
What 3 mistakes make an “I don’t know” client worse?
In the first run I make all three on purpose.
Forcing a goal conversation
“Tell me about your long-term goals and dreams.” The goal conversation isn’t actually happening, and pushing for it just raises the pressure.
Making “not knowing” a problem
“Coaching is all about goals, so surely deep down you know.” Now the client feels behind and starts grasping at answers that aren’t real.
Forcing a reframe
“Just suppose you did know, what would it be?” Reframing what they don’t want into what they want is a good tool, but in “I don’t know” territory it backfires. Don’t cling to a tool that isn’t working.
Even if you didn’t name the techniques, you could feel it get uncomfortable, and you could hear the client trying to please me with answers that weren’t true.
What does it mean to be “Equal To” what the client brings?
The word coach comes from transport: taking someone from where they are to where they want to be. But if someone is standing there with no map and no destination, you can’t force the transport.
So don’t force a method. Don’t force solution-focused questions. Don’t make the client feel bad about not knowing. Our job isn’t to feel uncomfortable when the client is uncomfortable. The attitude I want is what I call Equal To: I’m equal to whatever shows up, I have no agenda, I’m not pushing to fix it. That matters most when a client is going through a hard patch. Slow down on purpose.
Sometimes “I don’t know” means the client has reached the edge of what they know. That’s an opening, not a dead end.
How does the hot air balloon and the Life Wheel help?
Instead of getting on the ground and solving, gently rise to a bird’s-eye view. Hang out there, without judgment, without forcing. A Life Wheel is an easy way in. The client names the areas of their life, gives each one a satisfaction score, and often the wide view is what shows them where to start.
In the demo Alex chooses five areas: work, free time, relationships, health, growth. Work scores a 3, growth a 2. I stay completely neutral on the numbers, no “why isn’t it higher.” Then I ask which area, if it improved, would spill over into the others. Alex picks growth, and connects it to how they use their free time.
How do you find a goal without saying “goal”?
The word “goal” doesn’t land for everyone. Go simpler. Ask what change the client wants to see, or where they feel least satisfied. I asked Alex what a seven-out-of-ten in growth would be like. They described feeling energised, going somewhere, learning something they’re curious about. That’s a direction, and I didn’t need to freeze it into a fixed goal.
Only then do you turn the direction into a session objective. Hang out with the themes first. If you rush “what do you want from the session” in the first few minutes, the client says “I don’t know” again. Alex landed on something small: choose one thing to try in their free time that feels different, without it needing to be perfect or long-term. I checked it back with them, and that became the target for the session.
What else was woven through the session?
A few things I do all the way through. I welcome the stuckness with no judgment and no toxic positivity. I listen for a polarity, the client’s own opposing pair, which here was “empty” against “meaning.” I ask what a word means when it seems important, and I use the client’s exact words rather than my summary. I soften every question with “possibly,” “might,” “maybe.” And I stay comfortable in not knowing, because when I’m willing to discover, the client’s confidence and clarity grow.
Which ICF competencies does this demo show?
If you’re on the ICF path, here’s where this session sits against the ICF Core Competencies:
- Cultivates Trust and Safety. Welcoming the not-knowing, and naming the session as the client’s time and space to work it out.
- Embodies a Coaching Mindset. The Equal To attitude: no agenda, no push to fix, comfortable in the unknown.
- Maintains Presence. Slowing down on purpose and staying with the stuckness instead of rushing past it.
- Listens Actively. Catching “empty” and “meaning” as a polarity, and carrying the client’s exact words through.
- Establishes and Maintains Agreements. Turning a wide-view exploration into a session objective the client chooses, without coaching jargon.
Finding a direction without using the word goal is a skill, and we practise it live, with feedback, inside our ICF certification classes. Have a look at Level 1, Global Coach ACC, or check if there’s a seat and we’re a fit.